Toxicity in a relationship can take many forms, including emotional or verbal abuse. Still, it’s not always possible to draw a clear line between toxicity and abuse.
Toxic relationships are unhealthy, but they’re not necessarily abusive. Sometimes, toxic behavior isn’t intentional — though, of course, that doesn’t make it any less hurtful. Keep in mind, too, that many unhealthy relationships involve toxic behavior from both partners, even when neither partner behaves in an abusive way.
Abuse, on the other hand, stems from a desire to hold power over someone else and control their behavior, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Since abuse often happens gradually, in subtle ways, you may not always recognize it easily, especially if the relationship has been toxic for some time.
There’s never an excuse for abusive behavior. Though change is possible for anyone, you can’t make your partner change. They have to choose that route themselves.
That’s why, if you recognize any of the following signs of physical or emotional abuse, a good next step involves working with a therapist or domestic violence advocate to create a plan to safely leave the relationship. (You’ll find some helpful resources below.)
Diminished self-worth
Your partner blames you for everything that goes wrong and makes you feel as if you can’t do anything right. They may do this by patronizing, dismissing, or embarrassing you in public.
The ongoing result?
“You end up feeling small, confused, shamed, and often exhausted.
Chronic stress, anxiety, or doubt
It’s typical to have periods of frustration with your partner or doubts about your future together. But you shouldn’t spend significant amounts of time worrying about the relationship or your safety.
An abusive partner might say things that make you doubt the security of the relationship, or even your own self-worth:
- “You’re lucky I’m with you. I could have anyone.”
- “If you don’t want to have sex with me, I’ll find someone else who will.”
Separation from friends and family
Sometimes, dealing with a toxic relationship can lead you to withdraw from friends and family. But an abusive partner may forcefully distance you from your support network.
They might snatch your phone while you’re talking, answer it for you and say you’re busy, or make such a fuss when you say you have plans that you end up canceling. They may also convince you that your loved ones don’t want to hear from you, anyway.
Interference with work or school
An abusive partner may prevent you from seeking employment or studying in order to isolate and control you.
They may also attempt to humiliate you at your workplace or school by causing a scene, talking to your boss or teachers, or lying to your co-workers and classmates.
Fear and intimidation
An abusive partner might explode with rage or use intimidation tactics, such as slamming their fists into walls or not allowing you to leave the house during a fight.
Name-calling and put-downs
Insults aimed to humiliate and belittle your interests, appearance, or accomplishments all count as verbal abuse.
Someone using verbal abuse tactics might say things like:
- “You’re worthless.”
- “You can’t do anything right.”
- “No one else could ever love you.”
Financial restriction
Financial abuse tactics involve:
- controlling the money that comes in
- preventing you from having your own bank account
- restricting your access to credit cards
- giving you a daily allowance and making you ask for more
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a manipulation technique that makes you question your own feelings, instincts, and sanity.
Someone trying to gaslight you may:
- insist something you remember never happened
- tell you they never said something when you clearly remember it
- accuse you of being the one with anger and control issues
Threats of self-harm
Threatening to hurt themselves in order to pressure you into doing something is a manipulation tactic.
If they mention suicide, take them seriously and encourage them to connect with a crisis helpline or reach out for other support.
Just know supporting them doesn’t mean agreeing to what they want.
Physical violence
Threats and verbal insults can escalate to physical violence. If your partner is pushing, shoving, or hitting you, it’s a clear sign that the relationship has become dangerous.
If you’ve decided it’s time to move on from the relationship, these strategies can help you do so safely:
- Get support from a therapist or domestic violence advocate. They can help you make a safety plan and access resources for additional support.
- Open up to loved ones. You don’t have to do this alone. Family and friends can offer emotional support, but they may also be in a position to offer more tangible support, like a place to stay or help moving while your partner’s out.
- Bring a friend. Don’t feel safe having a breakup conversation with your partner alone? Ask a trusted loved one to come with you. Knowing you have their support may help you stick to your decision to leave, even if your partner tries to convince you otherwise.
- Change your phone number. If this isn’t possible, block your partner’s number and social media accounts so you won’t feel tempted to respond if they reach out.
- Take care of yourself. Leaving any relationship can feel painful and distressing. Honor your needs by taking time for relaxation, sleep, and self-care, along with time to heal before starting a new relationship.
Toxic communication and behavior patterns can crack and corrode the foundations of your relationship, but you don’t have to stand by and watch your bond with your partner crumble.
When you and your partner both want to create change, a relationship therapist can help you begin to identify underlying factors contributing to relationship toxicity and explore healthy, compassionate approaches to communication and problem-solving.
No comments:
Post a Comment