Abuse vs. toxicity

Toxicity in a relationship can take many forms, including emotional or verbal abuse. Still, it’s not always possible to draw a clear line between toxicity and abuse.

Toxic relationships are unhealthy, but they’re not necessarily abusive. Sometimes, toxic behavior isn’t intentional — though, of course, that doesn’t make it any less hurtful. Keep in mind, too, that many unhealthy relationships involve toxic behavior from both partners, even when neither partner behaves in an abusive way.

Abuse, on the other hand, stems from a desire to hold power over someone else and control their behavior, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Since abuse often happens gradually, in subtle ways, you may not always recognize it easily, especially if the relationship has been toxic for some time.

There’s never an excuse for abusive behavior. Though change is possible for anyone, you can’t make your partner change. They have to choose that route themselves.

That’s why, if you recognize any of the following signs of physical or emotional abuse, a good next step involves working with a therapist or domestic violence advocate to create a plan to safely leave the relationship. (You’ll find some helpful resources below.)

Diminished self-worth

Your partner blames you for everything that goes wrong and makes you feel as if you can’t do anything right. They may do this by patronizing, dismissing, or embarrassing you in public.

The ongoing result?

“You end up feeling small, confused, shamed, and often exhausted.

Chronic stress, anxiety, or doubt

It’s typical to have periods of frustration with your partner or doubts about your future together. But you shouldn’t spend significant amounts of time worrying about the relationship or your safety.

An abusive partner might say things that make you doubt the security of the relationship, or even your own self-worth:

• “You’re lucky I’m with you. I could have anyone.”
• “If you don’t want to have sex with me, I’ll find someone else who will.”

Separation from friends and family

Sometimes, dealing with a toxic relationship can lead you to withdraw from friends and family. But an abusive partner may forcefully distance you from your support network.

They might snatch your phone while you’re talking, answer it for you and say you’re busy, or make such a fuss when you say you have plans that you end up canceling. They may also convince you that your loved ones don’t want to hear from you, anyway.

Interference with work or school

An abusive partner may prevent you from seeking employment or studying in order to isolate and control you.

They may also attempt to humiliate you at your workplace or school by causing a scene, talking to your boss or teachers, or lying to your co-workers and classmates.

Fear and intimidation

An abusive partner might explode with rage or use intimidation tactics, such as slamming their fists into walls or not allowing you to leave the house during a fight.

Name-calling and put-downs

Insults aimed to humiliate and belittle your interests, appearance, or accomplishments all count as verbal abuse.

Someone using verbal abuse tactics might say things like:

• “You’re worthless.”
• “You can’t do anything right.”
• “No one else could ever love you.”

Financial restriction

Financial abuse tactics involve:

• controlling the money that comes in
• preventing you from having your own bank account
• restricting your access to credit cards
• giving you a daily allowance and making you ask for more

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a manipulation technique that makes you question your own feelings, instincts, and sanity.

Someone trying to gaslight you may:

• insist something you remember never happened
• tell you they never said something when you clearly remember it
• accuse you of being the one with anger and control issues

Threats of self-harm

Threatening to hurt themselves in order to pressure you into doing something is a manipulation tactic.

If they mention suicide, take them seriously and encourage them to connect with a crisis helpline or reach out for other support.

Just know supporting them doesn’t mean agreeing to what they want.

Physical violence

Threats and verbal insults can escalate to physical violence. If your partner is pushing, shoving, or hitting you, it’s a clear sign that the relationship has become dangerous.

How to leave a toxic relationship

If you’ve decided it’s time to move on from the relationship, these strategies can help you do so safely:

• Get support from a therapist or domestic violence advocate. They can help you make a safety plan and access resources for additional support.
• Open up to loved ones. You don’t have to do this alone. Family and friends can offer emotional support, but they may also be in a position to offer more tangible support, like a place to stay or help moving while your partner’s out.
• Bring a friend. Don’t feel safe having a breakup conversation with your partner alone? Ask a trusted loved one to come with you. Knowing you have their support may help you stick to your decision to leave, even if your partner tries to convince you otherwise.
• Change your phone number. If this isn’t possible, block your partner’s number and social media accounts so you won’t feel tempted to respond if they reach out.
• Take care of yourself. Leaving any relationship can feel painful and distressing. Honor your needs by taking time for relaxation, sleep, and self-care, along with time to heal before starting a new relationship.

The bottom line

Toxic communication and behavior patterns can crack and corrode the foundations of your relationship, but you don’t have to stand by and watch your bond with your partner crumble.

When you and your partner both want to create change, a relationship therapist can help you begin to identify underlying factors contributing to relationship toxicity and explore healthy, compassionate approaches to communication and problem-solving.

 

What are the signs of a toxic relationship? 

Depending on the nature of the relationship, signs of toxicity can be subtle or highly obvious. When you’re in a toxic relationship, you might not always find it easy to notice the red flags popping up. All the same, you could notice some of these signs in yourself, your partner, or the relationship itself. 1. Lack of support “Healthy relationships are based on a mutual desire to see the other succeed in all areas of life. But when things turn toxic, every achievement becomes a competition. In short, the time you spend together no longer feels positive. You don’t feel supported or encouraged, and you can’t trust them to show up for you. Instead, you might get the impression that your needs and interests don’t matter, that they only care about what they want. 2. Toxic communication Instead of kindness and mutual respect, most of your conversations are filled with sarcasm or criticism and fueled by contempt. Do you catch yourself making snide remarks to your friends or family members? Maybe you repeat what they said in a mocking tone when they’re in another room. You may even start dodging their calls, just to get a break from the inevitable arguments and hostility. 3. Envy or jealousy While it’s perfectly fine to experience a little envy from time to time, it can become an issue if your envy keeps you from thinking positively about your partner’s successes. The same goes for jealousy. Yes, it’s a perfectly natural human emotion. But when it leads to constant suspicion and mistrust, it can quickly begin to erode your relationship. 4. Controlling behaviors Does your partner ask where you are all the time? Maybe they become annoyed or irritated when you don’t immediately answer texts or text you again and again until you do. These behaviors might stem from jealousy or lack of trust, but they can also suggest a need for control — both of which can contribute to relationship toxicity. In some cases, these attempts at control can also suggest abuse (more on this later). 5. Resentment Holding on to grudges and letting them fester chips away at intimacy. “Over time, frustration or resentment can build up and make a smaller chasm much bigger. Note, too, whether you tend to nurse these grievances quietly because you don’t feel safe speaking up when something bothers you. If you can’t trust your partner to listen to your concerns, your relationship could be toxic. 6. Dishonesty You find yourself constantly making up lies about your whereabouts or who you meet up with — whether that’s because you want to avoid spending time with your partner or because you worry how they’ll react if you tell them the truth. 7. Patterns of disrespect being chronically late, casually “forgetting” events, and other behaviors that show disrespect for your time are a red flag. Keep in mind that some people may truly struggle with making and keeping plans on time, so it may help to start with a conversation about this behavior. If it’s not intentional, you might notice some improvement after you explain why it bothers you. 8. Negative financial behaviors sharing finances with a partner often involves some level of agreement about how you’ll spend or save your money. That said, it’s not necessarily toxic if one partner chooses to spend money on items the other partner doesn’t approve of. It can be toxic, though, if you’ve come to an agreement about your finances and one partner consistently disrespects that agreement, whether by purchasing big-ticket items or withdrawing large sums of money. 9. Constant stress Ordinary life challenges that come up — a family member’s illness, job loss — can create some tension in your relationship, of course. But finding yourself constantly on edge, even when you aren’t facing stress from outside sources, is a key indicator that something’s off. This ongoing stress can take a toll on physical and mental health, and you might frequently feel miserable, mentally and physically exhausted, or generally unwell. 10. Ignoring your needs Going along with whatever your partner wants to do, even when it goes against your wishes or comfort level, is a sure sign of toxicity. Say they planned a vacation that will take you out of town on your mom’s birthday. But when they asked you what dates were convenient, you emphasized that any dates were fine — as long as you didn’t miss your mom’s birthday on the 17th. You don’t want to point this out, since you don’t want to start a fight. So you say, “Great! I’m so excited.” 11. Lost relationships You’ve stopped spending time with friends and family, either to avoid conflict with your partner or to get around having to explain what’s happening in your relationship. Alternatively, you might find that dealing with your partner (or worrying about your relationship) occupies much of your free time. 12. Lack of self-care In a toxic relationship, you might let go of your usual self-care habits. You might withdraw from hobbies you once loved, neglect your health, and sacrifice your free time. This might happen because you don’t have the energy for these activities or because your partner disapproves when you do your own thing. 13. Hoping for change You might stay in the relationship because you remember how much fun you had in the beginning. Maybe you think that if you just change yourself and your actions, they’ll change as well. 14. Walking on eggshells You worry that by bringing up problems, you’ll provoke extreme tension, so you become conflict avoidant and keep any issues to yourself.